A Gentleman's Guide to Social Workers

There was a time when the job of professional social worker was hard to get, necessitating years of study and hopefully some practical experience in dealing with case management, counseling, health care, correctional services, education, job placement, housing, etc. Good luck finding one with a glimmer of compassion. The vast majority of social workers are only on the job for less than two years. The turnover is so great that the chances are you are dealing not with a champion of social justice from years past but a simple bureaucrat doing absolutely everything by the book, and there's nothing in the book about fitting square pegs into round holes. Be open, honest, and in the end, tell them what they need to know. The slightest misstep, a box not checked or hint of a possibility you've got somewhere else to turn, and you could be history.

Unlike what you may have thought about those who simply mooch off the system, the system is seriously designed to be temporary, offering all manner of assistance to get you out of this mess and back in the workplace. Unfortunately, you may find their definition of workplace differs from your own.

Living off interest doesn't count as being in the workplace. Neither does buying or selling anything. Anyone "self-employed" makes them nervous, but if you were your own boss, that's the only way to go. Anyone in arts is particularly screwed. They don't do income averaging. Let's say it took you a year to write this book and you got a $5,000 advance. That averages out to about a hundred a week, poverty by any definition, but if you report it as income, they count it as one week's salary, suddenly you're rich, and no more cash aid till you're broke again, despite the fact you've got to make the $5,000 stretch out until your book becomes a best seller and the residuals start pouring in.

They will want to see those bank statements at zero (okay, five bucks, just to keep it open.) Your cash aid can be directly deposited into your account, but they'll want to see those statements once in a while, so no hanky panky. They can also put the cash on your EBT, which reduces your "credit" cards to one, good if you're careful, bad if you lose it.

One drawback about state aid is the fact it's aimed at the lowest common denominator of people, people who need things explained over and over, not like you who get everything the first time. Your loyal helpmates, the bureaucrats in charge of giving you assistance, are going to assume you need help with the simplest processes, and you may end up having to take a four hour class in how to use your EBT card before they give you one. This class will stretch the limits of your ability to stay conscious while you're shown endless video instructions that give new meaning to the phrase "belaboring the obvious." Did you know you're going to have to memorize your PIN? Fascinating. The total left in your account will be shown on your cash register receipt? Who'da thunk? Instructional tapes made by government agencies are the only movies regularly shown in hell. Bring a book or an iPod.

"What's great about this country is America started the tradition where the richest consumers buy essentially the same things as the poorest. You can be watching TV and see Coca-Cola, and you can know that the President drinks Coke, Liz Taylor drinks Coke, and just think, you can drink Coke, too. A Coke is a Coke and no amount of money can get you a better Coke than the one the bum on the corner is drinking. All the Cokes are the same and all the Cokes are good."
- Andy Warhol -