Lost everything? Don't just lie there. Using A Gentleman's Guide to Bottoming Out, you too can rise from the ashes and become a functioning member of society again. You might not regain your mansion in the Hamptons, but you won't have to search for the warmest sidewalk grate either. Author Michael Dare went from the riches of Beverly Hills, to journalist for the LA Weekly, Daily Variety, Billboard, and Movieline, to homeless in the middle of the desert, and bounced back. If someone as depraved, cranky, and hopeless as he can rebound from the street, so can you.
"I have no money, no resources, no hopes. I am the happiest man alive."
- Henry Miller: Tropic of Cancer
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
Intro
"I learned this, at least, by my experiment; that if one advances confidently in the direction of his dreams, and endeavors to live the life which he has imagined, he will meet with a success unexpected in common hours. He will put some things behind, will pass an invisible boundary; new, universal, and more liberal laws will begin to establish themselves around and within him; or the old laws be expanded, and interpreted in his favor in a more liberal sense, and he will live with the license of a higher order of beings. In proportion as he simplifies his life, the laws of the universe will appear less complex, and solitude will not be solitude, nor poverty poverty, nor weakness weakness.
"If you have built castles in the air, your work need not be lost; that is where they should be. Now put the foundations under them."
-Henry David Thoreau: Walden -
INTRO
Whether you had it coming or not, bouncing from wealth to poverty can take a nanosecond. Fires, tornados, earthquakes, corporations, governments, the economy, street crime, all can take everything you've got without a moment's notice, and suddenly you find yourself a rich man without a penny, forced to learn the secrets of the streets to survive.
American society has split into two classes, ultra-rich and ultra-poor, those with nothing and those with everything, with a phantom in the middle called the middle class who have taken on enough debt to look like they own things but who are actually just as poor as the poor. The plummet from rich to poor rarely includes a stopover in the middle.
You've only officially reached poverty when you don't have a penny for your loafer, a nickel for your thoughts, a dime for a dozen, or a quarter for a phone call. It's called absolutely zero, and it can be a moment of clarity as well as panic. After all, if you can get by on nothing, absolutely nothing, everything else is gravy.
The first thing you learn at absolute zero is how far you can stretch a dollar. Chances are that whatever you spent supporting yourself for the past five years could have lasted at least ten, so you've only got your reckless spending on things like mortgages to blame.
The second thing you can't help but notice upon arriving in the land of the poor is you never really owned anything and the entire system is rigged against you.
But don't get depressed. There's very good news. You no longer have a nut. The only minimum you need to survive every day has just gone way down. Once you're past your first day at zero, you now have the ability to go one entire day without spending a penny, a skill you definitely need to develop.
And remember, only the ultra-poor have a shot at becoming ultra-rich. After all, they're unemployed and have time to sit around getting stoned and thinking of things like Google, whereas the middle class have got jobs and are far too busy making ends meet to worry about where their lives are going. They know precisely where their lives are going, to paying off debts, whereas the lives of the ultra-rich and ultra-poor could lead anywhere. Being free from debt (other than Karmic, but we'll get to that), is a wonderful thing, and the rich man can exalt in his newfound freedom from financial obligations.
Just accept, right now, that you not only don't own anything, you never did. The bank owned your home, the finance company owned your car, and pharmaceutical companies actually have patents on sections of your DNA, so you don't even own your own body. Try selling your DNA to a foreign competitor and you could get sued, which is actually no problem when you're poor. Poor people never get sued, which should be a major relief if your crime was corporate fraud or even murdering your ex-wife.
Follow this simple guide and you'll find you can not only survive but thrive with absolutely nothing.
"If you have built castles in the air, your work need not be lost; that is where they should be. Now put the foundations under them."
-Henry David Thoreau: Walden -
INTRO
Whether you had it coming or not, bouncing from wealth to poverty can take a nanosecond. Fires, tornados, earthquakes, corporations, governments, the economy, street crime, all can take everything you've got without a moment's notice, and suddenly you find yourself a rich man without a penny, forced to learn the secrets of the streets to survive.
American society has split into two classes, ultra-rich and ultra-poor, those with nothing and those with everything, with a phantom in the middle called the middle class who have taken on enough debt to look like they own things but who are actually just as poor as the poor. The plummet from rich to poor rarely includes a stopover in the middle.
You've only officially reached poverty when you don't have a penny for your loafer, a nickel for your thoughts, a dime for a dozen, or a quarter for a phone call. It's called absolutely zero, and it can be a moment of clarity as well as panic. After all, if you can get by on nothing, absolutely nothing, everything else is gravy.
The first thing you learn at absolute zero is how far you can stretch a dollar. Chances are that whatever you spent supporting yourself for the past five years could have lasted at least ten, so you've only got your reckless spending on things like mortgages to blame.
The second thing you can't help but notice upon arriving in the land of the poor is you never really owned anything and the entire system is rigged against you.
But don't get depressed. There's very good news. You no longer have a nut. The only minimum you need to survive every day has just gone way down. Once you're past your first day at zero, you now have the ability to go one entire day without spending a penny, a skill you definitely need to develop.
And remember, only the ultra-poor have a shot at becoming ultra-rich. After all, they're unemployed and have time to sit around getting stoned and thinking of things like Google, whereas the middle class have got jobs and are far too busy making ends meet to worry about where their lives are going. They know precisely where their lives are going, to paying off debts, whereas the lives of the ultra-rich and ultra-poor could lead anywhere. Being free from debt (other than Karmic, but we'll get to that), is a wonderful thing, and the rich man can exalt in his newfound freedom from financial obligations.
Just accept, right now, that you not only don't own anything, you never did. The bank owned your home, the finance company owned your car, and pharmaceutical companies actually have patents on sections of your DNA, so you don't even own your own body. Try selling your DNA to a foreign competitor and you could get sued, which is actually no problem when you're poor. Poor people never get sued, which should be a major relief if your crime was corporate fraud or even murdering your ex-wife.
Follow this simple guide and you'll find you can not only survive but thrive with absolutely nothing.
Imaginary Table of Contents
CHAPTER ONE: A Gentleman's Guide to Cheap Food
· Welfare, Food Stamps, & Community Outreach
· Fine Wine
· Dumpster Diving
CHAPTER TWO: A Gentleman's Guide to Adequate Lodging
· Emergency Vouchers
· Shelters
· Camping Equipment.
CHAPTER THREE: A Gentleman's Guide to Health Care
· Medical beats Medicare
· Emergency Rooms
· Drug Dealers
CHAPTER FOUR: A Gentleman's Guide to Putting Up a False Front
· Public Showers
· Free Clothes.
· Grooming
CHAPTER FIVE: A Gentleman's Guide to Free Entertainment
· Public Displays
· Private Parties
· Sneaking In
CHAPTER SIX: A Gentleman's Guide to Avoiding the Police
· New Identities
· Places to hide
· Surgery
CHAPTER SEVEN:A Gentleman's Guide to Keeping in Touch
· P.O. Boxes
· Cell Phones
· The Internet
CHAPTER EIGHT: A Gentleman's Guide to Mooching Off Other People
· Begging
· Scraping
· Stealing
CHAPTER NINE: A Gentleman's Guide to God
· Western Thought
· Eastern Thought
· No Thought
CHAPTER TEN: A Gentleman's Guide to Getting Out of This Hellhole
· Micro Loans
· Grants
· Starbucks
EPILOGUE: Can Money Buy Happiness?
INDEXES, ONE PER CHAPTER: Addresses, phone numbers, and websites to find help.
· Welfare, Food Stamps, & Community Outreach
· Fine Wine
· Dumpster Diving
CHAPTER TWO: A Gentleman's Guide to Adequate Lodging
· Emergency Vouchers
· Shelters
· Camping Equipment.
CHAPTER THREE: A Gentleman's Guide to Health Care
· Medical beats Medicare
· Emergency Rooms
· Drug Dealers
CHAPTER FOUR: A Gentleman's Guide to Putting Up a False Front
· Public Showers
· Free Clothes.
· Grooming
CHAPTER FIVE: A Gentleman's Guide to Free Entertainment
· Public Displays
· Private Parties
· Sneaking In
CHAPTER SIX: A Gentleman's Guide to Avoiding the Police
· New Identities
· Places to hide
· Surgery
CHAPTER SEVEN:A Gentleman's Guide to Keeping in Touch
· P.O. Boxes
· Cell Phones
· The Internet
CHAPTER EIGHT: A Gentleman's Guide to Mooching Off Other People
· Begging
· Scraping
· Stealing
CHAPTER NINE: A Gentleman's Guide to God
· Western Thought
· Eastern Thought
· No Thought
CHAPTER TEN: A Gentleman's Guide to Getting Out of This Hellhole
· Micro Loans
· Grants
· Starbucks
EPILOGUE: Can Money Buy Happiness?
INDEXES, ONE PER CHAPTER: Addresses, phone numbers, and websites to find help.
A Gentleman's Guide to Happiness
Modern research has shown that money can only buy happiness to a certain extent, and it has little to do with the accumulation of riches and more a matter of worry about survival. When you're at zero, getting a buck will certainly increase your happiness, and finding twenty dollars on the sidewalk can cause euphoria. Fifty, a hundred, every increase in denomination from zero has a direct correlation to your feeling of safety, of your ability to take your life into your own hands, of relief from dependence upon society for survival, but there's a cut-off point. According to Dan Gilbert, a psychology professor at Harvard University and the author of the book Stumbling on Happiness, "Once you get basic human needs met, a lot more money doesn't make a lot more happiness." Past $50 thousand, the buck to happiness quotient declines dramatically. Going from zero to $50 thousand raises your happiness to about 99% of your ability to feel such a thing, providing a healthy cushion of survival, but past that, into the hundreds of thousands and millions, happiness only increases in smaller and smaller increments of the remaining 1%.
So rather than focusing on regaining the riches you once had, the yacht, the heliport, focus on that $50 thousand which is genuinely all anyone in America requires to experience 99% of the happiness they'll ever need.
"Adversity has the effect of eliciting talents, which in prosperous circumstances would have lain dormant."
- Horace -
So rather than focusing on regaining the riches you once had, the yacht, the heliport, focus on that $50 thousand which is genuinely all anyone in America requires to experience 99% of the happiness they'll ever need.
"Adversity has the effect of eliciting talents, which in prosperous circumstances would have lain dormant."
- Horace -
A Gentleman's Guide to Cheap Alcohol
The finest wines on the planet earth are Charles Shaw's Cabernet Sauvignon, Merlot, Chardonnay, and Sauvignon Blanc (avoid the Shiraz), $1.99 a bottle at your local Trader Joes. Why the winos of the world haven't switched from Thunderbird to "Two Buck Chuck" is unlikely to be a topic of debate on Hardball, but as a former rich man, it's your duty to raise the poverty bar just a little by drinking something that's actually wine and not just an alcohol delivery system.
Surely you've tried Grappa, the second pressing of quality grapes with water added that the poor of France and Italy consume with a passion. It's cheap and a reasonable facsimile of the wine made from the first pressing. Charles Shaw is like that. It's unpretentious, not very good, but definitely not bad. All you have to do is pretend you've never tasted anything from Chateau Margaux. Just because you know there's a rarified strata of winemakers who devote their lives to producing the tastiest beverages known to man doesn't mean you can't enjoy something more common.
From the top down, nothing beats a thousand dollar, 40-year-old Trockenbeernauslese, but from the bottom up, there are so many hideous, gag inducing, totally unpalatable wines, that the simple pleasures of a cheap Charles Shaw can be the bright spot in your day.
Surely you've tried Grappa, the second pressing of quality grapes with water added that the poor of France and Italy consume with a passion. It's cheap and a reasonable facsimile of the wine made from the first pressing. Charles Shaw is like that. It's unpretentious, not very good, but definitely not bad. All you have to do is pretend you've never tasted anything from Chateau Margaux. Just because you know there's a rarified strata of winemakers who devote their lives to producing the tastiest beverages known to man doesn't mean you can't enjoy something more common.
From the top down, nothing beats a thousand dollar, 40-year-old Trockenbeernauslese, but from the bottom up, there are so many hideous, gag inducing, totally unpalatable wines, that the simple pleasures of a cheap Charles Shaw can be the bright spot in your day.
A Gentleman's Guide to Cheap Food
When's the last time you spent $10 on a meal? All the time, right? Hard to go out to eat and spend any less than $10 on yourself, usually more, perfectly ordinary, to be expected, part of the day to day marvel of living and eating, appearing in public with your friends at establishments with menus where they actually bring the food right to you.
That was then and this is now, bub. As a non-working member of the new poor, you must have the skill to prepare three meals a day at a buck apiece. Whether you're getting about $100 a month for one or about $300 a month for a family of three, it usually works out that they expect humans in the US to be able to feed themselves on three dollars a day.
They used to be called Food Stamps, but the government found it much cheaper and convenient to switch to a credit card system called EBT. No more food stamps, which means you get to feel like you're still rich, with a working credit card and all. It also means no more buying fantastic cheap fruit from roadside Mexicans with crates of oranges and mangos who used to accept food stamps but can't accept EBTs.
So let's say you and your two kids have got your $10 a day, one of your old meals divided by nine, a little more than $1 per person per meal per day. You know what? You can do it. It's all figured out. Here's all you have to do…
· Give yourself a daily budget and shop daily instead of weekly, keeping a sharp eye out for sales. Your entire month's cash allotment is already gone the second you get it on things like rent and utilities, though sometimes, if you're extra prudent, you might have $20 left over for a spending spree on things like soap.
· If you have access to storage, a cabinet, or a luxury like a refrigerator and freezer, spend half your monthly allotment all at once to take advantage of bulk discounts on things you can store. Then give yourself a daily budget, $5.00, and shop daily for perishables. Get milk, lettuce, carrots, tomatoes, potatoes, some kind of meat depending upon what's on sale, aha, this week, beef back ribs $1.00 a pound, pester the meat man till he finds one that’s exactly three pounds because everything you buy is going to be divided by three, perfect, two ribs apiece plus some of those potatoes equals a meal at a bit more than a buck apiece.
· Buy two gallons of real milk and five pounds of powdered milk which, strangely enough, once mixed, ends up costing almost exact the same as the fresh stuff. This will save you money in transportation to the store. Every penny counts. After you've used a half of a gallon container, add three cups of powdered milk and water to the rest, filling it back up all the way with water. Turns each gallon into two and no one will notice the difference.
· Since food stamps only cover food items, how do you get other household items like soap and toilet paper and shampoo and bug spray and napkins and Kleenex and cat food? Glad you asked. Ever notice that all those items are the ones that give away the most coupons in the Sunday paper? You must always save enough change to buy the local Sunday newspaper, which contains coupons that can save you at least $20, making it your wise investment of the week. Do the crossword puzzle then throw the rest away, or save it to use instead of paper towels, which you can no longer afford.
· Don't buy something if it's on sale and don't buy something if you've got a coupon. Only buy something if it's on sale AND you've got a coupon. Let's say you need toilet paper. You have no way of knowing which toilet paper is going to be on sale but there's always at least one, so you have to cut out every single toilet paper coupon from the paper, go to the store to see which one's on sale, then go through your coupons and hope you've got a coupon for that brand. If it's on sale for $2.25 and you've got a $1 off coupon which the store doubles, the toilet paper ends up costing only a quarter.
· A strange thing can happen to EBT food charges when they're used in a store that doubles coupons. This is a loophole that many states have fixed so you'll have to check it out for yourself. The manufacturer pays back the store for the stated savings on the coupon, say $1, which is subtracted from your total, and the store matches it with their own $1, which is also subtracted from your total as cash. Buy a $1 bottle of shampoo at the same time you use a $1 coupon for any item and the extra dollar somehow covers the cost of the shampoo, even though you're only using EBT food. You can even get cash back if you play your cards right. Most stores are on to this trick so you can only use it once. Make your purchase without using your coupons, turn to leave, then go "Hey, wait, I forgot to use my coupons." Since the transaction is over and there's no way to subtract the coupons from what you've already purchased, they will accept the coupons and pay you back in cash.
· Check out a box of 250 Kleenex. Now check out a container of 500 Napkins. If all you're doing is blowing your nose in it, why the hell are you paying twice as much for Kleenex? Because it's softer? Get over yourself. Save Kleenex for special occasions like dabbing a wound.
Sound complicated? It is. When you're got nothing, you spend half your time fighting to somehow make do with what you've got, then you do nothing else, ever, since everything there is to do costs money and you don't have any. Poverty is surprisingly hard work.
That was then and this is now, bub. As a non-working member of the new poor, you must have the skill to prepare three meals a day at a buck apiece. Whether you're getting about $100 a month for one or about $300 a month for a family of three, it usually works out that they expect humans in the US to be able to feed themselves on three dollars a day.
They used to be called Food Stamps, but the government found it much cheaper and convenient to switch to a credit card system called EBT. No more food stamps, which means you get to feel like you're still rich, with a working credit card and all. It also means no more buying fantastic cheap fruit from roadside Mexicans with crates of oranges and mangos who used to accept food stamps but can't accept EBTs.
So let's say you and your two kids have got your $10 a day, one of your old meals divided by nine, a little more than $1 per person per meal per day. You know what? You can do it. It's all figured out. Here's all you have to do…
· Give yourself a daily budget and shop daily instead of weekly, keeping a sharp eye out for sales. Your entire month's cash allotment is already gone the second you get it on things like rent and utilities, though sometimes, if you're extra prudent, you might have $20 left over for a spending spree on things like soap.
· If you have access to storage, a cabinet, or a luxury like a refrigerator and freezer, spend half your monthly allotment all at once to take advantage of bulk discounts on things you can store. Then give yourself a daily budget, $5.00, and shop daily for perishables. Get milk, lettuce, carrots, tomatoes, potatoes, some kind of meat depending upon what's on sale, aha, this week, beef back ribs $1.00 a pound, pester the meat man till he finds one that’s exactly three pounds because everything you buy is going to be divided by three, perfect, two ribs apiece plus some of those potatoes equals a meal at a bit more than a buck apiece.
· Buy two gallons of real milk and five pounds of powdered milk which, strangely enough, once mixed, ends up costing almost exact the same as the fresh stuff. This will save you money in transportation to the store. Every penny counts. After you've used a half of a gallon container, add three cups of powdered milk and water to the rest, filling it back up all the way with water. Turns each gallon into two and no one will notice the difference.
· Since food stamps only cover food items, how do you get other household items like soap and toilet paper and shampoo and bug spray and napkins and Kleenex and cat food? Glad you asked. Ever notice that all those items are the ones that give away the most coupons in the Sunday paper? You must always save enough change to buy the local Sunday newspaper, which contains coupons that can save you at least $20, making it your wise investment of the week. Do the crossword puzzle then throw the rest away, or save it to use instead of paper towels, which you can no longer afford.
· Don't buy something if it's on sale and don't buy something if you've got a coupon. Only buy something if it's on sale AND you've got a coupon. Let's say you need toilet paper. You have no way of knowing which toilet paper is going to be on sale but there's always at least one, so you have to cut out every single toilet paper coupon from the paper, go to the store to see which one's on sale, then go through your coupons and hope you've got a coupon for that brand. If it's on sale for $2.25 and you've got a $1 off coupon which the store doubles, the toilet paper ends up costing only a quarter.
· A strange thing can happen to EBT food charges when they're used in a store that doubles coupons. This is a loophole that many states have fixed so you'll have to check it out for yourself. The manufacturer pays back the store for the stated savings on the coupon, say $1, which is subtracted from your total, and the store matches it with their own $1, which is also subtracted from your total as cash. Buy a $1 bottle of shampoo at the same time you use a $1 coupon for any item and the extra dollar somehow covers the cost of the shampoo, even though you're only using EBT food. You can even get cash back if you play your cards right. Most stores are on to this trick so you can only use it once. Make your purchase without using your coupons, turn to leave, then go "Hey, wait, I forgot to use my coupons." Since the transaction is over and there's no way to subtract the coupons from what you've already purchased, they will accept the coupons and pay you back in cash.
· Check out a box of 250 Kleenex. Now check out a container of 500 Napkins. If all you're doing is blowing your nose in it, why the hell are you paying twice as much for Kleenex? Because it's softer? Get over yourself. Save Kleenex for special occasions like dabbing a wound.
Sound complicated? It is. When you're got nothing, you spend half your time fighting to somehow make do with what you've got, then you do nothing else, ever, since everything there is to do costs money and you don't have any. Poverty is surprisingly hard work.
A Gentleman's Guide to Social Workers
There was a time when the job of professional social worker was hard to get, necessitating years of study and hopefully some practical experience in dealing with case management, counseling, health care, correctional services, education, job placement, housing, etc. Good luck finding one with a glimmer of compassion. The vast majority of social workers are only on the job for less than two years. The turnover is so great that the chances are you are dealing not with a champion of social justice from years past but a simple bureaucrat doing absolutely everything by the book, and there's nothing in the book about fitting square pegs into round holes. Be open, honest, and in the end, tell them what they need to know. The slightest misstep, a box not checked or hint of a possibility you've got somewhere else to turn, and you could be history.
Unlike what you may have thought about those who simply mooch off the system, the system is seriously designed to be temporary, offering all manner of assistance to get you out of this mess and back in the workplace. Unfortunately, you may find their definition of workplace differs from your own.
Living off interest doesn't count as being in the workplace. Neither does buying or selling anything. Anyone "self-employed" makes them nervous, but if you were your own boss, that's the only way to go. Anyone in arts is particularly screwed. They don't do income averaging. Let's say it took you a year to write this book and you got a $5,000 advance. That averages out to about a hundred a week, poverty by any definition, but if you report it as income, they count it as one week's salary, suddenly you're rich, and no more cash aid till you're broke again, despite the fact you've got to make the $5,000 stretch out until your book becomes a best seller and the residuals start pouring in.
They will want to see those bank statements at zero (okay, five bucks, just to keep it open.) Your cash aid can be directly deposited into your account, but they'll want to see those statements once in a while, so no hanky panky. They can also put the cash on your EBT, which reduces your "credit" cards to one, good if you're careful, bad if you lose it.
One drawback about state aid is the fact it's aimed at the lowest common denominator of people, people who need things explained over and over, not like you who get everything the first time. Your loyal helpmates, the bureaucrats in charge of giving you assistance, are going to assume you need help with the simplest processes, and you may end up having to take a four hour class in how to use your EBT card before they give you one. This class will stretch the limits of your ability to stay conscious while you're shown endless video instructions that give new meaning to the phrase "belaboring the obvious." Did you know you're going to have to memorize your PIN? Fascinating. The total left in your account will be shown on your cash register receipt? Who'da thunk? Instructional tapes made by government agencies are the only movies regularly shown in hell. Bring a book or an iPod.
"What's great about this country is America started the tradition where the richest consumers buy essentially the same things as the poorest. You can be watching TV and see Coca-Cola, and you can know that the President drinks Coke, Liz Taylor drinks Coke, and just think, you can drink Coke, too. A Coke is a Coke and no amount of money can get you a better Coke than the one the bum on the corner is drinking. All the Cokes are the same and all the Cokes are good."
- Andy Warhol -
Unlike what you may have thought about those who simply mooch off the system, the system is seriously designed to be temporary, offering all manner of assistance to get you out of this mess and back in the workplace. Unfortunately, you may find their definition of workplace differs from your own.
Living off interest doesn't count as being in the workplace. Neither does buying or selling anything. Anyone "self-employed" makes them nervous, but if you were your own boss, that's the only way to go. Anyone in arts is particularly screwed. They don't do income averaging. Let's say it took you a year to write this book and you got a $5,000 advance. That averages out to about a hundred a week, poverty by any definition, but if you report it as income, they count it as one week's salary, suddenly you're rich, and no more cash aid till you're broke again, despite the fact you've got to make the $5,000 stretch out until your book becomes a best seller and the residuals start pouring in.
They will want to see those bank statements at zero (okay, five bucks, just to keep it open.) Your cash aid can be directly deposited into your account, but they'll want to see those statements once in a while, so no hanky panky. They can also put the cash on your EBT, which reduces your "credit" cards to one, good if you're careful, bad if you lose it.
One drawback about state aid is the fact it's aimed at the lowest common denominator of people, people who need things explained over and over, not like you who get everything the first time. Your loyal helpmates, the bureaucrats in charge of giving you assistance, are going to assume you need help with the simplest processes, and you may end up having to take a four hour class in how to use your EBT card before they give you one. This class will stretch the limits of your ability to stay conscious while you're shown endless video instructions that give new meaning to the phrase "belaboring the obvious." Did you know you're going to have to memorize your PIN? Fascinating. The total left in your account will be shown on your cash register receipt? Who'da thunk? Instructional tapes made by government agencies are the only movies regularly shown in hell. Bring a book or an iPod.
"What's great about this country is America started the tradition where the richest consumers buy essentially the same things as the poorest. You can be watching TV and see Coca-Cola, and you can know that the President drinks Coke, Liz Taylor drinks Coke, and just think, you can drink Coke, too. A Coke is a Coke and no amount of money can get you a better Coke than the one the bum on the corner is drinking. All the Cokes are the same and all the Cokes are good."
- Andy Warhol -
A Gentleman's Guide to Welfare
"Give a beggar a dime and he'll bless you. Give him a dollar and he'll curse you for withholding the rest of your fortune. Poverty is a bag with a hole at the bottom."
- Anzia Yezierska -
"In bestowing charity, the main consideration: should be to help those who will help themselves; to provide part of the means by which those who desire to improve may do so; to give those who desire to rise the aids by which they may rise; to assist, but rarely or never to do all. Neither the individual nor the race is improved by almsgiving. Those worthy of assistance, except in rare cases, seldom require assistance. The really valuable men of the race never do, except in case of accident or sudden change. Every one has, of course, cases of individuals brought to his own knowledge where temporary assistance can do genuine good, and these he will not overlook. But the amount which can be wisely given by the individual for individuals is necessarily limited by his lack of knowledge of the circumstances connected with each. He is the only true reformer who is as care ful and as anxious not to aid the unworthy as he is to aid the worthy, and, perhaps, even more so, for in almsgiving more injury is probably done by rewarding vice than by relieving virtue. The rich man is thus almost restricted to following the examples of...others, who know that the best means of benefiting the community is to place within its reach the ladders upon which the aspiring can rise: free libraries, parks, and means of recreation, by which men are helped in body and mind; works of art, certain to give pleasure and improve the public taste; and public institutions of various kinds, which will improve the general condition of the people; in this manner returning their surplus wealth to the mass of their fellows in the forms best calculated to do them lasting good."
- Andrew Carnegie -
How to apply for Welfare
You may think since you paid more than your fair share of taxes (didn't you?), you are actually more welcome to welfare money than those who have not worked for it. This is not so. The intake worker at your nearest social agency will not care about your past finances, only your present predicament, and you will be not be doing yourself a bit of good by explaining how rich you used to be. You did your bit to gather the necessary government resources in order to provide for the lower end of the socio-economic ladder, little knowing it would soon include you. The social safety net applies equally to everybody, the only criteria being current destitution. It's now your turn to join the lower stratum of helpless citizens dependent upon those members of society who are currently productive and used to be you.
You need a place to sleep and it's no longer a choice between Hilton or Days Inn. Both won't accept your plastic. Your family is either dead or won't help and all your friends turned out to be fair weather. This is the time when the weak go crazy and stockbrokers jump out of windows because they're ruined.
Calm down. Hopefully you've held on to your prescriptions by dumping everything from your medicine chest into your Louis Vuitton vanity case and there's a Valium handy. You're not ruined. Repeat the mantra. You're not ruined. You're just off on an adventure, an adventure you will not only survive but come out the better for. You are only ruined if you care what other people think of you. Get over it. You're going to be hearing that a lot. One of your primary occupations for the next several days, weeks, months, even years, is getting over it. You had a lot. Now you don't. Big deal. Happens every day without mass suicides. People survive and they don't have to become beggars, thieves, or drug addicts to do it. 99% of humanity start at the bottom and work their way up. Some don't get very far, but those that make it the hard way start out with basic knowledge of survival.
But if you started out at the top, if you're the product of inherited wealth, if you've spent a childhood without a single worry about money, chances are your perspective is so skewed away from reality that you find yourself without a clue as to how to deal with a world where what you've got isn't half as important as what you are.
Accepting poverty is exactly the same as accepting death. Using the Kübler-Ross model described in her 1969 book On Death and Dying, the five stages of accepting poverty are Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance, which go something like this...
1 DENIAL: This can't be happening to me. My whole life was laid out, prearranged, I had plans to spend next summer in Cannes, there's only one payment left on my plasma TV, I should be able to keep it. There's been some sort of mistake.
2 ANGER: Why me? This isn't fair. I didn't do anything wrong. I invested where I was supposed to. Those bastards lied to me. Who put the economy in the crapper? The people I voted for? I hate myself.
3 BARGAINING: Just give me a little bit of slack and you'll be paid back in full, I promise. Why exactly did you lower your credit limit to precisely what I already owe you? Come on, can't you break the rules just this once?
4 DEPRESSION: I can't live without my possessions. I paid $2,000 for that mattress and now someone else gets to sleep in it? It's lost, all lost, and I'll never get it back. Where will I find another 19th century Damascus steel letter opener for less than $500?
5 ACCEPTANCE: I can make do with what I have and be thankful for whatever that might be. Wandering the earth, like Caine in Kung-Fu, nothing but the knapsack on my back, righting wrongs, fighting injustice, accepting advice from grasshoppers.
Whereas in your previous life, you might have focused your every waking hour on making money, you must now focus your every waking hour on NOT SPENDING money. Every hour you spend not spending any money is an hour well spent.
"Almsgiving tends to perpetuate poverty; aid does away with it once and for all. Almsgiving leaves a man just where he was before. Aid restores him to society as an individual worthy of all respect and not as a man with a grievance. Almsgiving is the generosity of the rich; social aid levels up social inequalities. Charity separates the rich from the poor; aid raises the needy and sets him on the same level with the rich."
-Eva Peron -
Why is there so much month left at the end of the money?"
- John Barrymore -
PRACTICAL ADVICE
When applying for state aid, a term you're sure to prefer to "welfare," which of the following items can you admit to possessing?
1. A bank account with any money in it.
2. A car.
3. Real estate.
4. An insurance policy.
5. Cash in your pocket.
6. 100 shares of something you bought at $250 a share but which now sell at 25 cents a share but which you're hoping will go up to a least a buck a share before you sell.
7. Money stashed in the Caymans if only you could get to the Caymans.
You may not answer yes to any of these questions. You may think that simply admitting you've got $20 in your pocket can't possibly mean anything, but if someone else applying for aid doesn't even have that, they have now moved ahead of you in line. There are limited funds available and those in the most need move to the front of the line. You will only get aid if you are at the front of the line. To get in front of everyone else in line, you must have nothing. Absolutely nothing. Still got gramma's silver candlesticks? Hock 'em and spend the money before applying for aid. Welfare, sorry, state aid, is the final back-up plan, the ultimate safety-net, and however much you may have previously thought it was a bleeding heart drain on the economy, you will be very happy it is there.
"Mystical references to 'society' and its programs to 'help' may warm the hearts of the gullible but what it really means is putting more power in the hands of bureaucrats."
- Thomas Sowell -
- Anzia Yezierska -
"In bestowing charity, the main consideration: should be to help those who will help themselves; to provide part of the means by which those who desire to improve may do so; to give those who desire to rise the aids by which they may rise; to assist, but rarely or never to do all. Neither the individual nor the race is improved by almsgiving. Those worthy of assistance, except in rare cases, seldom require assistance. The really valuable men of the race never do, except in case of accident or sudden change. Every one has, of course, cases of individuals brought to his own knowledge where temporary assistance can do genuine good, and these he will not overlook. But the amount which can be wisely given by the individual for individuals is necessarily limited by his lack of knowledge of the circumstances connected with each. He is the only true reformer who is as care ful and as anxious not to aid the unworthy as he is to aid the worthy, and, perhaps, even more so, for in almsgiving more injury is probably done by rewarding vice than by relieving virtue. The rich man is thus almost restricted to following the examples of...others, who know that the best means of benefiting the community is to place within its reach the ladders upon which the aspiring can rise: free libraries, parks, and means of recreation, by which men are helped in body and mind; works of art, certain to give pleasure and improve the public taste; and public institutions of various kinds, which will improve the general condition of the people; in this manner returning their surplus wealth to the mass of their fellows in the forms best calculated to do them lasting good."
- Andrew Carnegie -
How to apply for Welfare
You may think since you paid more than your fair share of taxes (didn't you?), you are actually more welcome to welfare money than those who have not worked for it. This is not so. The intake worker at your nearest social agency will not care about your past finances, only your present predicament, and you will be not be doing yourself a bit of good by explaining how rich you used to be. You did your bit to gather the necessary government resources in order to provide for the lower end of the socio-economic ladder, little knowing it would soon include you. The social safety net applies equally to everybody, the only criteria being current destitution. It's now your turn to join the lower stratum of helpless citizens dependent upon those members of society who are currently productive and used to be you.
You need a place to sleep and it's no longer a choice between Hilton or Days Inn. Both won't accept your plastic. Your family is either dead or won't help and all your friends turned out to be fair weather. This is the time when the weak go crazy and stockbrokers jump out of windows because they're ruined.
Calm down. Hopefully you've held on to your prescriptions by dumping everything from your medicine chest into your Louis Vuitton vanity case and there's a Valium handy. You're not ruined. Repeat the mantra. You're not ruined. You're just off on an adventure, an adventure you will not only survive but come out the better for. You are only ruined if you care what other people think of you. Get over it. You're going to be hearing that a lot. One of your primary occupations for the next several days, weeks, months, even years, is getting over it. You had a lot. Now you don't. Big deal. Happens every day without mass suicides. People survive and they don't have to become beggars, thieves, or drug addicts to do it. 99% of humanity start at the bottom and work their way up. Some don't get very far, but those that make it the hard way start out with basic knowledge of survival.
But if you started out at the top, if you're the product of inherited wealth, if you've spent a childhood without a single worry about money, chances are your perspective is so skewed away from reality that you find yourself without a clue as to how to deal with a world where what you've got isn't half as important as what you are.
Accepting poverty is exactly the same as accepting death. Using the Kübler-Ross model described in her 1969 book On Death and Dying, the five stages of accepting poverty are Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance, which go something like this...
1 DENIAL: This can't be happening to me. My whole life was laid out, prearranged, I had plans to spend next summer in Cannes, there's only one payment left on my plasma TV, I should be able to keep it. There's been some sort of mistake.
2 ANGER: Why me? This isn't fair. I didn't do anything wrong. I invested where I was supposed to. Those bastards lied to me. Who put the economy in the crapper? The people I voted for? I hate myself.
3 BARGAINING: Just give me a little bit of slack and you'll be paid back in full, I promise. Why exactly did you lower your credit limit to precisely what I already owe you? Come on, can't you break the rules just this once?
4 DEPRESSION: I can't live without my possessions. I paid $2,000 for that mattress and now someone else gets to sleep in it? It's lost, all lost, and I'll never get it back. Where will I find another 19th century Damascus steel letter opener for less than $500?
5 ACCEPTANCE: I can make do with what I have and be thankful for whatever that might be. Wandering the earth, like Caine in Kung-Fu, nothing but the knapsack on my back, righting wrongs, fighting injustice, accepting advice from grasshoppers.
Whereas in your previous life, you might have focused your every waking hour on making money, you must now focus your every waking hour on NOT SPENDING money. Every hour you spend not spending any money is an hour well spent.
"Almsgiving tends to perpetuate poverty; aid does away with it once and for all. Almsgiving leaves a man just where he was before. Aid restores him to society as an individual worthy of all respect and not as a man with a grievance. Almsgiving is the generosity of the rich; social aid levels up social inequalities. Charity separates the rich from the poor; aid raises the needy and sets him on the same level with the rich."
-Eva Peron -
Why is there so much month left at the end of the money?"
- John Barrymore -
PRACTICAL ADVICE
When applying for state aid, a term you're sure to prefer to "welfare," which of the following items can you admit to possessing?
1. A bank account with any money in it.
2. A car.
3. Real estate.
4. An insurance policy.
5. Cash in your pocket.
6. 100 shares of something you bought at $250 a share but which now sell at 25 cents a share but which you're hoping will go up to a least a buck a share before you sell.
7. Money stashed in the Caymans if only you could get to the Caymans.
You may not answer yes to any of these questions. You may think that simply admitting you've got $20 in your pocket can't possibly mean anything, but if someone else applying for aid doesn't even have that, they have now moved ahead of you in line. There are limited funds available and those in the most need move to the front of the line. You will only get aid if you are at the front of the line. To get in front of everyone else in line, you must have nothing. Absolutely nothing. Still got gramma's silver candlesticks? Hock 'em and spend the money before applying for aid. Welfare, sorry, state aid, is the final back-up plan, the ultimate safety-net, and however much you may have previously thought it was a bleeding heart drain on the economy, you will be very happy it is there.
"Mystical references to 'society' and its programs to 'help' may warm the hearts of the gullible but what it really means is putting more power in the hands of bureaucrats."
- Thomas Sowell -
Things to keep in mind
"The seed cannot know what is going to happen, the seed has never known the flower. And the seed cannot even believe that he has the potentiality to become a beautiful flower. Long is the journey, and it is always safer not to go on that journey because unknown is the path, nothing is guaranteed. Nothing can be guaranteed. Thousand and one are the hazards of the journey, many are the pitfalls - and the seed is secure, hidden inside a hard core. But the seed tries, it makes an effort; it drops the hard shell which is its security, it starts moving. Immediately the fight starts: the struggle with the soil, with the stones, with the rocks. And the seed was very hard and the sprout will be very, very soft and dangers will be many. There was no danger for the seed, the seed could have survived for millennia, but for the sprout many are the dangers. But the sprout starts towards the unknown, towards the sun, towards the source of light, not knowing where, not knowing why. Great is the cross to be carried, but a dream possesses the seed and the seed moves."
- Osho -
"Most of the luxuries, and many of the so-called comforts of life, are not only dispensable, but positive hindrances to the elevation of mankind. Cultivate poverty like a garden herb, like sage. Do not trouble yourself much to get new things, whether clothes or friends. Turn the old; return to them. Things do not change; we change. The very simplicity and nakedness of man's life in the primitive ages imply this advantage, at least, that they left him still but a sojourner in nature. To be awake is to be alive. Time is but the stream I go a-fishing in. Every man is a builder of a temple, called his body, to the god he worships, after a style purely his own, nor can he get off by hammering marble instead. We are all sculptors and painters, and our material is our own flesh and blood and bones. Any nobleness begins at once to refine a man's features, any meanness or sensuality to imbrute them. Rather than love, than money, than fame, give me truth."
- Henry David Thoreau: Walden -
"We see many who are struggling against adversity who are happy, and more although abounding in wealth, who are wretched."
- Tacitus -
"All we see of someone at any moment is a snapshot of their life, there in riches or poverty, in joy or despair. Snapshots don't show the million decisions that led to that moment.
-Richard Bach: Running from Safety -
"In poverty and other misfortunes of life, true friends are a sure refuge. The young they keep out of mischief; to the old they are a comfort and aid in their weakness, and those in the prime of life they incite to noble deeds."
- Aristotle -
"The poverty of our century is unlike that of any other. It is not, as poverty was before, the result of natural scarcity, but of a set of priorities imposed upon the rest of the world by the rich. Consequently, the modern poor are not pitied... but written off as trash. The twentieth-century consumer economy has produced the first culture for which a beggar is a reminder of nothing."
- John Berger -
"However mean your life is, meet it and live it: do not shun it and call it hard names. Cultivate poverty like a garden herb, like sage. Do not trouble yourself much to get new things, whether clothes or friends. Things do not change, we change. Sell your clothes and keep your thoughts."
- Henry David Thoreau -
"Do not let yourselves be discouraged or embittered by the smallness of the success you are likely to achieve in trying to make life better. You certainly would not be able, in a single generation, to create an earthly paradise. Who could expect that? But, if you make life ever so little better, you will have done splendidly, and your lives will have been worthwhile."
- Arnold J. Toynbee -
"The trouble with being poor is that it takes up all your time."
- Willem de Kooning -
"Too many people spend money they haven't earned, to buy things they don't want, to impress people they don't like."
- Will Rogers -
"I'd like to live as a poor man with lots of money."
- Pablo Picasso -
"Affliction comes to us all, not to make us sad, but sober; not to make us sorry, but to make us wise; not to make us despondent, but by its darkness to refresh us as the night refreshes the day; not to impoverish, but to enrich us."
- Henry Ward Beecher -
"Difficult times have helped me to understand better than before, how infinitely rich and beautiful life is in every way, and that so many things that one goes worrying about are of no importance whatsoever."
- Isak Dinesen -
"Rich men without convictions are more dangerous in modern society than poor women without chastity."
- George Bernard Shaw -
"When beggars and shoeshine boys, barbers and beauticians can tell you how to get rich it is time to remind yourself that there is no more dangerous illusion than the belief that one can get something for nothing."
- Bernard Baruch -
"You are not here merely to make a living. You are here in order to enable the world to live more amply, with greater vision, with a finer spirit of hope and achievement. You are here to enrich the world, and you impoverish yourself if you forget the errand."
- Woodrow Wilson -
"My riches consist not in the extent of my possessions, but in the fewness of my wants."
- Joseph Brotherton -
"The majority of men meet with failure because of their lack of persistence in creating new plans to take the place of those which fail."
- Napoleon Hill -
"Keep on going, and the chances are that you will stumble on something, perhaps when you are least expecting it. I never heard of anyone ever stumbling on something sitting down."
- Charles Franklin Kettering -
"Poverty is the parent of revolution and crime."
- Aristotle -
- Osho -
"Most of the luxuries, and many of the so-called comforts of life, are not only dispensable, but positive hindrances to the elevation of mankind. Cultivate poverty like a garden herb, like sage. Do not trouble yourself much to get new things, whether clothes or friends. Turn the old; return to them. Things do not change; we change. The very simplicity and nakedness of man's life in the primitive ages imply this advantage, at least, that they left him still but a sojourner in nature. To be awake is to be alive. Time is but the stream I go a-fishing in. Every man is a builder of a temple, called his body, to the god he worships, after a style purely his own, nor can he get off by hammering marble instead. We are all sculptors and painters, and our material is our own flesh and blood and bones. Any nobleness begins at once to refine a man's features, any meanness or sensuality to imbrute them. Rather than love, than money, than fame, give me truth."
- Henry David Thoreau: Walden -
"We see many who are struggling against adversity who are happy, and more although abounding in wealth, who are wretched."
- Tacitus -
"All we see of someone at any moment is a snapshot of their life, there in riches or poverty, in joy or despair. Snapshots don't show the million decisions that led to that moment.
-Richard Bach: Running from Safety -
"In poverty and other misfortunes of life, true friends are a sure refuge. The young they keep out of mischief; to the old they are a comfort and aid in their weakness, and those in the prime of life they incite to noble deeds."
- Aristotle -
"The poverty of our century is unlike that of any other. It is not, as poverty was before, the result of natural scarcity, but of a set of priorities imposed upon the rest of the world by the rich. Consequently, the modern poor are not pitied... but written off as trash. The twentieth-century consumer economy has produced the first culture for which a beggar is a reminder of nothing."
- John Berger -
"However mean your life is, meet it and live it: do not shun it and call it hard names. Cultivate poverty like a garden herb, like sage. Do not trouble yourself much to get new things, whether clothes or friends. Things do not change, we change. Sell your clothes and keep your thoughts."
- Henry David Thoreau -
"Do not let yourselves be discouraged or embittered by the smallness of the success you are likely to achieve in trying to make life better. You certainly would not be able, in a single generation, to create an earthly paradise. Who could expect that? But, if you make life ever so little better, you will have done splendidly, and your lives will have been worthwhile."
- Arnold J. Toynbee -
"The trouble with being poor is that it takes up all your time."
- Willem de Kooning -
"Too many people spend money they haven't earned, to buy things they don't want, to impress people they don't like."
- Will Rogers -
"I'd like to live as a poor man with lots of money."
- Pablo Picasso -
"Affliction comes to us all, not to make us sad, but sober; not to make us sorry, but to make us wise; not to make us despondent, but by its darkness to refresh us as the night refreshes the day; not to impoverish, but to enrich us."
- Henry Ward Beecher -
"Difficult times have helped me to understand better than before, how infinitely rich and beautiful life is in every way, and that so many things that one goes worrying about are of no importance whatsoever."
- Isak Dinesen -
"Rich men without convictions are more dangerous in modern society than poor women without chastity."
- George Bernard Shaw -
"When beggars and shoeshine boys, barbers and beauticians can tell you how to get rich it is time to remind yourself that there is no more dangerous illusion than the belief that one can get something for nothing."
- Bernard Baruch -
"You are not here merely to make a living. You are here in order to enable the world to live more amply, with greater vision, with a finer spirit of hope and achievement. You are here to enrich the world, and you impoverish yourself if you forget the errand."
- Woodrow Wilson -
"My riches consist not in the extent of my possessions, but in the fewness of my wants."
- Joseph Brotherton -
"The majority of men meet with failure because of their lack of persistence in creating new plans to take the place of those which fail."
- Napoleon Hill -
"Keep on going, and the chances are that you will stumble on something, perhaps when you are least expecting it. I never heard of anyone ever stumbling on something sitting down."
- Charles Franklin Kettering -
"Poverty is the parent of revolution and crime."
- Aristotle -
Cover letter for publishers
A Gentleman's Guide to Bottoming Out is an imaginary guide to the actual ways of the world as told from the perspective of someone who intimately knows the streets to someone like Paris Hilton who hasn't a clue. The divide between these two fictional characters - a wise-cracking, snarky, street-smart survivor who's been through it all, and the clueless super-rich who've been protected from hard-core reality all their life - is where the book finds its humor and unique point of view. It is not just aimed at rich people, that's a facade, the candy coating that allows anybody with financial problems and a sense of humor to dive right in. It will make them laugh, think, and learn, all at the same time; Swiftian social satire disguised as a genuine utilitarian guide to survival on the streets.
The book imagines a world in economic crisis, on the verge of revolution, where the distance between the classes has never been greater, where the illusory bubble of financial health can burst at a moment's notice, and someone bathed in luxury can find themselves fighting for the basics of survival. The recession has started. The book imagines reality.
It is the opposite of intimidating. It is the opposite of dry. It is illustrated, thin, and cheap; filed with the Chicken Soup books. The cover is everything. Get 'em laughing at the title and the cover and you've got a sale. It should have a fake "marked down" price, originally $20, now going for $5.95 for these hard times.
Inside, I picture a cartoon character like Mr. Monopoly put in different outlandish situations heading each chapter, along with charts, graphs, quizzes, quotes, a fun read that can be finished in a couple days and immediately passed along. I don't think it should be more than 50,000 words, not because I'm lazy, but because it will be padded out with illustrations, and the book really should be inexpensive, and that means not thick.
The book imagines a world in economic crisis, on the verge of revolution, where the distance between the classes has never been greater, where the illusory bubble of financial health can burst at a moment's notice, and someone bathed in luxury can find themselves fighting for the basics of survival. The recession has started. The book imagines reality.
It is the opposite of intimidating. It is the opposite of dry. It is illustrated, thin, and cheap; filed with the Chicken Soup books. The cover is everything. Get 'em laughing at the title and the cover and you've got a sale. It should have a fake "marked down" price, originally $20, now going for $5.95 for these hard times.
Inside, I picture a cartoon character like Mr. Monopoly put in different outlandish situations heading each chapter, along with charts, graphs, quizzes, quotes, a fun read that can be finished in a couple days and immediately passed along. I don't think it should be more than 50,000 words, not because I'm lazy, but because it will be padded out with illustrations, and the book really should be inexpensive, and that means not thick.
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